I’ve been listening to all sorts of music lately. From Metallica to DJ Tiesto, Classical Bach-Baroque to Indo-Pop, I somehow couldn’t understand what caused me to behave in such a way. Listening to many sometimes doesn’t allow me to enjoy what I hear. But i know it is just a mere exercise that I do in order to take my mind away from the reality. Short while but worthwhile, that’s for sure. But one thing I can safely say, at this point of time, my mood has been changing quite rapidly in the last few months. Whether I’m currently going through a period of melancholy or extreme happiness, I just couldn’t tell.
As I moved myself from one dimension to another, every time, I find I’m not doing it because of natural tendency but because I was directed to move towards it. Have I lost my freedom? Have I sold my soul to the unknown devil or worst case, to the known devil? I’m not sure. I seriously couldn’t recognize the kind of life that I’m currently living in. But I do know that I still have the guiding light that have been lighting up my way all this while and a strong stick that never fails to put me on my foot again every time i fell during this journey. Thus, suck-in to those known and unknown devils in their endeavor to deviate me from my journey.
Personally, I would like to speak out things but I kind of have this suspicious that devils are everywhere. They are constantly praying for the right time to catch me when I’m at my worst situation. For many months, I can’t hear any other voices except for my own voice. Am I at the liberty of making the decision to hear what I want to hear? So far, I’ve been allowing myself to hear to others only when I know they are forcing me to hear them. So I’m still a free man as all I care to think.
I would like to be at the position where I have the liberty to call for all the shots. Never have to worry for what those demons would think and react to my decision. Yes, I do want and extremely craving for that liberty to ponder and to wonder at everything that I sees in the jungle without having to worry of anything when I do this activity alone. Forever, I missed the moment walking through Saint Davis Park when I need a dose of tranquility or jog next to Lower Sandy Bay beach every time when I started questioning myself whether the world is round or flat.
This is not a random rambling but it is the picture of my current life. Perhaps, the dark clouds are here for a brief and I soon shall be able to enjoy the bright blue sky and taste the warmth of the sun on my skin once they are gone. Insyallah…